Thursday, August 11, 2005

Dr. Phil Fantasy Episode

After reading a lot of blogs and news sources, I found a situation going on in Ottawa that has a lot of Senators fans concerned. The deadline for filing for salary arbitration has passed and Marian Hossa has described his contract negotiations as, "We're at a dead point right now. We are nowhere." So, I've decided that these to factions can only come together with the help of one man - Dr. Phil McGraw.

Dr. Phil: Okay. Today on our show we have two guests that are at an impasse and need to communicate their feelings to each other. Slow-vack hockey player Mar-ree-an Ho-sa thinks he's big stuff and calls himself a franchise player comparing himself to the likes of Iginla and Thorton. And we also have the General Manager to the Ottawa Senators John Muckler who many think is mentally DOA and asleep at the wheel during this off season. Welcome to the program guys!

Muckler & Hossa: Thank you.

Dr. Phil: Now today I want to talk to you both about the value of people. Mar-re-an here says that he should be paid 21 million US dollars over a term of 3 years. Now, John, why haven't you paid him?

Muckler: That's because we have already committed a large portion of our profits to pay the other players. The league decided that we can only spend so much....

Dr. Phil: Okay, John, isn't that a little like muck raking?

Muckler: What?

Dr. Phil: Let's not point the finger of blame at other people. You must take responsibility for your relationship here with Mar-re-an here. He wants you to value him as he feels he should.

Hossa: I work hard every night and I have put up some great numbers during my career.

Muckler: We have offered Hossa a contract already for eleven and a half million and he's turned it down.

Dr. Phil: Now that seems like a lot of money there Mar-ree-an, but so is a ton of feathers in a hen house if you don't count your chickens.

Hossa: What? I don't understand.

Dr. Phil: I mean to say is that you might have something else to say to us? What is going on with the name Mar-re-an? Mostly women I know here are named that. A rose by any other name is like a petunia, but don't pull out the weeds with the roots.

Hossa: In my country, it is common for a man to be Marian. Even the great American hero John Wayne's real name was Marian.

Muckler: Is this interview getting us anywhere?

Dr. Phil: Don't worry where this train is taking you. Let's first make sure that we're both getting on at the right station. Mar-ree-an where do you see yourself in 3 years?

Hossa: I hope to be able to hold the Stanley Cup before the end of my career here in Ottawa. I still love this team and I want to stay with Ottawa.

Dr. Phil: It sounds to me that you are drinking from the cup of life, but make sure it's not filled with poison. Is there any chance you might be able to accept a 19 million dollar contract?

Hossa: I will have to talk it over with my agent.

Muckler: This deal may never get done now! I am just so busy with trying to create cap room...

Dr. Phil: Now hold on there Mr. Muckety-muck. IT AINT ABOUT YOU!!!!

Muckler: We're currently trying to shop around Brian Smolinski to open up some space on our payroll

Dr. Phil: And how's that workin for' ya?

Muckler: There have been some indications that teams are interested.

Dr. Phil: Okay, I think we've gotten as far as we can with these two. Remember folks, you can't get a hockey player to score if you're not willing to assist one another. Take on the day!
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